Ever since I gained access to the internet, I have used it for it’s sole intended purpose: to overshare.
I once got my phone taken away for proudly tweeting to my 137 followers: “I want to fuck Justin Bieber”
I was 13.
Something about sharing mindless thoughts and intimate details of my life with an absolute void I consider “followers” is thrilling to me. It’s like screaming from a mountain top—no one cares that you’re doing it except you. Because there’s normally someone else a few peaks over screaming, too.
But unlike screaming from a mountain top, what you post online can be shared, screenshotted, recorded, saved, and seen by almost anyone.
But we all know that by now…right?
Relationships (& their inevitable endings) are more difficult than ever thanks to the internet, but whether you like it or not, it’s here to stay and technology is only going to continue to advance. On theme with literally my entire brand as a person, it’s important I do my best to grow alongside.
From prepubescent wet dreams to high school subtweets to published articles, my writing skills have only advanced with the times while my concern for others’ opinions has drastically decreased (which has revealed to be a deadly combo). I’ve found that my ability to share my story in the way that I do is a somewhat rare talent, and that it can be used to benefit others as well as myself. Sharing my side of the story allows me to open myself up to those with similar stories. Or even a story totally different. It allows me to speak my truth, and invites others to share theirs. It creates a (yeah I’m gonna say it) safe space for people with similar thoughts, experiences, or ideas to come together in a creative way.
The Selfish Side of Storytelling
There is a selfish side to sharing my story, but I’m starting to loosen my grip on it. I used to take to the internet when my emotions were heightened, which was almost always a bad idea. Whether it was a facebook fight or a desperate thirst trap, it literally never once made the situation better. I just wanted to be heard so badly that I didn’t always think about what I was saying.
Nowadays I’m learning to let my emotions process (just a little) before going to post, and it really has made a difference in the content I put out there.
I’ve started taking to Tik Tok to cope with the my recent break up.
I know, I feel just as stupid typing that as you did reading it. But hear me out!
It’s a new form of humor that allows me to turn these traumatic experiences into silly little 9 second clips. It really shows you just how ridiculous these situations actually are in the grand scheme of things, despite them being incredibly difficult and painful in the moment. Something about making one of the most life-altering experiences of my life into a joke helps me heal by letting me laugh at myself. Seriously…what else am I supposed to do in this situation? (Not to mention it makes me feel good about myself #hotgirltok)
I learned at a very young age that, if I was going to talk shit on the internet, I damn sure better be able to back it up.
And I don’t just mean talking shit about the latest Teen Mom scandal or middle school kiss-list drama. I mean my beliefs, opinions, and perceptions.
Unfortunately, despite my mother’s best efforts, I have yet to learn simply not to talk shit on the internet (& I’m not really trying to) but I have learned how to stand strong in my beliefs, passions, and—most importantly—my side of the story.
What’s Mine Is…Mine.
I’m realizing there is very little in this life that is truly & wholly mine, but what I do possess is priceless.
My thoughts. My actions. My feelings. My emotions. My perceptions. My words.
My side of the story.
These are things that only I can produce, and only I can claim & control.
Because of that, I’ve shifted my focus in my healing journey to those things that are truly mine instead of worrying about anyone else’s reasons and why’s. I no longer have the energy to attempt to control how someone else perceived a certain situation; I’m too busy processing my own emotions on it.
I can feel myself ceasing to care what others have to think or say about my choices—in life and in content. I am totally fine knowing my truth. I don’t need anyone else to believe it, but I will speak it. I really don’t care if you listen, like, share, or follow.
If you are offended by, disagree with or have a different perception of events than mine, I highly encourage you to write it. Or TikTok it. Or tweet it. Or scream it. Whatever feels like a creative outlet for you to express your perspective in a healthy way. Even if you’re not the type to share with the public: journal, write a letter you’ll never send, or keep it in your drafts. I promise you will feel much better releasing your thoughts and feelings than if you keep them bottled up inside, just waiting to explode.
Pick Your Poison
We have more access now than ever before to quite literally whatever we want. From porn to pills to puppies and ev.er.y.thing. in between…it’s out there.
With constant content and literal highlight reels of life at our fingertips, it’s important what you’re choosing to consume digitally aligns with what you want your reality to look like. I cannot stress enough the power behind the "mute" feature on most social platforms. Unfollowing & blocking are also available, but they might not always be the best option.
The cool thing about all of the features available today is that you can curate exactly what you want to see on your devices. If it’s my stuff, amaze. If it’s not, that’s fine too. I just hope it’s content that is encouraging and supporting your growth as an individual—whatever that looks like to you. I hope it's content that inspires you to make positive choices that lead to a kinder, gentler, more welcoming world.
Making a Living out of Living
“Work ethic” has been a hot topic of convo lately, and I’m not dropping it here to debate because I’ve realized over time that the things I work towards aren’t as tangible as others. It’s not a phat 401k or a house by the water or a shop to call my own. I am working towards creating something beautiful, that has room for all different characters, mistakes, and storylines.
I’ve made it my life’s goal to share my stories & experiences in a way that helps others—either by shedding light on otherwise undiscussed topics, providing a support network, or assisting with the everyday changes of life. It may not be as tangible as serving up the best bite down the point, but why compare? The way I choose to distribute my effort, energy and talents is just as crucial to survival as food, drink, and shelter.
People need to know their not alone.
I’m sure I could find some statistics to back me up on this, but that’s not really my vibe here. The internet has provided us this beautiful (yet somewhat artificial) feeling of belonging. I want these connections made online to find a way to translate into reality. I want to make people feel powerful, seen, and supported, even if it's just through a screen.
Onto the Next Chapter
If you want to know my side of the story, here it is: I don’t know what the fuck happened. One minute I had this happy little family ready to take on the world together and the next I was public enemy number one. Obviously I’m not innocent, because no one is when a relationship ends, but I honestly don’t know what brought us here. Or why “here” has to be so absolutely cold.
It’s strange when someone promises you something for years then, when that thing happens, they do the exact opposite of what they promised. It’s really confusing, too. The safest place I once knew is long gone and there's nothing but anger clouding the space that was once full of so much love. I put my dreams on hold to support his, because that's what you do when you love someone, but that was never reciprocated for me.
At the end of the day, I still have nothing but love for Billy. Although I am still processing the pain and trauma the abrupt, harsh ending of our relationship has caused, I will forever cherish so many beautiful memories with him at the core. He truly helped shape me into the person I am today and teach me about the person I want to be. The person I need to be.
I’m on my healing journey, but I’m not sure where I am in it. I know healing is never linear and can fluctuate. Some days I wish the best for him, others I’m screaming in my car all the things I wish I could say. At the end of each day, however, I wish him peace & healing & to be surrounded by authentic love.
This relationship, with all its ups & downs, is part of my story and I will not omit it to cover anyone’s mistakes— not even my own. I will continue to process it to the best of my ability, grow through the bounty of lessons, and share my journey along the way.
Keep reading; keep engaging; keep evolving; keep sharing.
You never really know who your story might reach, or how bad they may need it.